Last fall I had a striking experience as I was walking in Central Park. The weather was mild and the trees were just starting to green. My soul was soaking in the beauty of nature and felt very peaceful even in the middle of New York City.
After a meditative moment of gratefulness and peace, I felt pulled by shouts of joy toward a children’s playground sculpture in the park. Kids were having a great time experiencing the freedom of movement exhilarated by others like them expressing themselves with passion.
It was clear that boys and girls had a different way of expressing their joy of life. Most boys were playing daring games such as crawling on rocks and looking around to see if someone was admiring them. As though further energized by people like me looking at them, they kept climbing and jumping even faster, taking less and less time to secure their footing well before taking the next step. Parents were split between being worried and proud. Being admired taking risks seemed to tuned the kids on. Perhaps taking risks is a masculine quality… But then I saw a girl who seemed to outdo most boys. That was impressive. However most girls were playing on the ground enjoying sharing their toys with others and pushing each other on the swings.
I tried to analyze why it was so. Was the diversity in play because of socialization? Instead of answering my question, I decided to enjoy the diversity and the genuine pleasure experienced by the boys and girls playing and also by the men and women who were present there to create safety for them.
Would our sexual life be more spontaneous and exciting if we gave up the analyzing and trying to make sense of how nature wants to express itself through us?
I feel grateful to be alive and decided to play a little more freely myself.
Some wise person said: “If you are not on the edge you’re taking up too much space. “
How are you playing in your life? Are you allowing yourself to take some risks by pushing your boundaries of safety without falling off the rocks?
Photo: Encounter on a Net, by Diana Blackwell, Flikr.com
Good communication is the foundation of every great relationship. Listening and being listened to are signs of care and respect for your partner. When you feel cared for, you have more energy flowing through you, and sex is better.
Tantra is based on such caring and respect for your partner. Here are some good tips:
- Make sure you have your partner’s attention without demanding that they stop what they are doing to listen to you, unless it’s an emergency. If one of you is busy when you want to talk, set up a time when you both can pay attention to each other.
- Tune into your own truth by taking a couple of Ocean Breaths to connect with your love for them. Intend to create more understanding and harmony. Remember this is your truth and might not be “the truth” for your partner.
- Clear your mind of judging thoughts such as, “Here she/he goes again…” or “I’m going to show her/him that I’m right “. Communication is not a tug of war. To prove that you are right does not create more harmony or passion. Quite the opposite. Understanding and connection do.
- Really listen. We have two ears and one mouth, so listen at least twice as much as you speak. Listen attentively even if you think you ‘know’ what they are going to say. You might here a nuance that has always escaped you before, and this time that might make all the difference in how this talk goes.
- Pay attention to your body language, especially face expression, eye movements (rolling your eyes) and tone of voice. Body language makes up about 65% of communication. When your intention is love, the body is going to be relaxed and your voice full and warm. If your intention is to ‘be right’ or ‘show them,’ it will automatically show through your body language.
If you are not used to thinking about your body and your attitude as you are speaking, all these steps might seem overwhelming. Start with one or two the next time you talk with your lover.
Afterwards, be sure that you take a moment for yourself, and think about how using these simple steps changed your experience of the encounter and its outcome. Then, try to work in more of the steps the next time. You will see the difference - and your partner will feel the difference in your attention and your energy.
Mary Roach is the author of Bonk, a wander through comtemporary sex research, full of fascinating tidbits & anecdotes about human sexuality. Here is an engaging, funny talk she gave at TED about what she found out about orgasms while researching the book.
By the way, if you have never heard of the TED Conference, it is an annual gathering where speakers are invited to present for less than 20 minutes on their discoveries, thoughts, and art. It is a gathering of the most remarkable thinkers, artists, and scientists on the planet. And all the presentations are available online at the website. Go visit! You will be amazed, entertained, and uplifted.
February is the season for romance. But not everyone’s relationship is as hot & sexy as they would like. Have you experienced a decline in your romance lately? Or perhaps you have gone some time without that “spark” you felt when you first met your lover?
Ladies, perhaps you realize that you are feeling less beautiful, less desirable, more taken for granted. . . I know many of us feel this way at one time or another.
When your man is in love with you at the beginning of your relationship he sprinkles, “you are beautiful,” “I love you so much,” “you are important to me” in so much of what he says to you. . .
Now you might have to wait for a special occasion or perhaps a new sexy outfit for him to notice how beautiful you are. His feelings haven’t changed; he has just forgotten the need to share them with you.
Men, are you taking the time to make sure your woman hears that she is important and beautiful and sexy to you?
Perhaps there is also another way you can give attention to her?
Saying “you are beautiful” can get boring or lost its meaning, and a general comment never has the same power as when you compliment her on a specific trait. Perhaps instead you could notice her expression and comment on it. You can tell her exactly what about her body attracts you most. Perhaps you may also notice some of the loving things she says or does, and acknowledge them with some attention – and even a kiss, or a touch . . .
This Valentine’s Day, and all through the month, use your imagination to communicate your desire to your woman. You will be surprised how eagerly she reacts to your attention!
When I work with couples who are resistant to healing their relationship and who no longer feel the kind of sensuality they felt when they met, it is often due to their lack of listening. It’s very common in long-term relationships.
Tantra says that newness is the preferred food for Eros. Eros dies when habits come in. But when you have been with someone a long time, it’s very easy for both of you to fall into a rut. Read more
“Ecstasy is our very nature, not to be ecstatic is simply unnecessary. To be ecstatic is natural, spontaneous. It needs no effort to be ecstatic, it needs great effort to be miserable. That’s why you look so tired, because misery is real hard work; to maintain it is really difficult, because you are doing something against the nature. You are going upstream – that’s what misery is.”
“Sex can be a time of total dissolution in love. Sex can bathe every cell in your body with light, bliss, and life force. Sex can be an ecstatic practice of open-hearted communion and surrender to infinity. Or, sex can be 10 or 20 minutes of genital stimulation ending in a spasm of biological relief.”
It’s an age-old question, isn’t it? Marketers use it to sell magazines to women, and pills and pumps to men. It’s endlessly debated on talk shows, and people flood call-ins with their opinion. Do not fall for the scams and the noise!
I think penis size matters only when your self-esteem is low, when you actually don’t know how to turn your partner on with your personality, and your approach to lovemaking is rigid and fearful, instead of playful and seductive. Read more
We’re now in the depths of winter, and the easygoing open way we commune with nature and each other in the warmth of summer may feel like a distant memory. In the winter, we become more introspective. We communicate more with ourselves – inside our heads and our hearts.
Introspection is good. We need time to tune into ourselves to see what we are really thinking and feeling because often we decide to quickly put our feelings on hold to handle urgent work. We need to integrate our experiences to really learn from them.
However, sometimes we unconsciously confuse introspection with the avoidance of communicating our inner thoughts and feelings with the person we love. Read more
How do you keep your relationship afloat and moving toward the destination of deep love and union? By staying conscious as you are gliding through the high waters of life.
Are you conscious of when you start holding back emotional truths and thus clouding the clarity of consciousness? Clouding the clarity is only the beginning of the damage you do to your relationship. Read more