Tantra is based on such caring and respect for your partner. Here are some good tips:

1. Make sure you have your partner’s attention without demanding that they stop what they are doing to listen to you, unless it’s an emergency. If one of you is busy when you want to talk, set up a time when you both can pay attention to each other.
2. Tune into your own truth by taking a couple of Ocean Breaths to connect with your love for them. Intend to create more understanding and harmony. Remember this is your truth and might not be “the truth” for your partner.
3. Clear your mind of judging thoughts such as, “Here she/he goes again…” or “I’m going to show her/him that I’m right “. Communication is not a tug of war. To prove that you are right does not create more harmony or passion. Quite the opposite. Understanding and connection do.
4. Really listen. We have two ears and one mouth, so listen at least twice as much as you speak. Listen attentively even if you think you ‘know’ what they are going to say. You might here a nuance that has always escaped you before, and this time that might make all the difference in how this talk goes.
5. Pay attention to your body language, especially face expression, eye movements (rolling your eyes) and tone of voice. Body language makes up about 65% of communication. When your intention is love, the body is going to be relaxed and your voice full and warm. If your intention is to ‘be right’ or ‘show them,’ it will automatically show through your body language.

If you are not used to thinking about your body and your attitude as you are speaking, all these steps might seem overwhelming. Start with one or two the next time you talk with your lover.

Afterwards, be sure that you take a moment for yourself, and think about how using these simple steps changed your experience of the encounter and its outcome. Then, try to work in more of the steps the next time. You will see the difference - and your partner will feel the difference in your attention and your energy.

Most people’s perception of Tantra is limited to controlling sex so you can have it for hours and hours in strange positions. Tantra is much more than that. It includes 64 arts that support you to be the most sensitive and accomplished lover of life and of another person. It includes the art of understanding the energy flow, of communicating deeply from your feelings, the art of romance, of setting up a room that will encourage you to create a mood that takes you higher into your fullest potential of vitality and passion, and more…

l embraced Tantra fully, and I teach it passionately because it has helped me to free myself from limiting emotional conclusions about sexuality, and to accept on all levels of my being that sex is an powerful force that amplifies any intention I hold. So if you intend to increase your love or vitality or abundance, your sexual expression is doing that. If you have the intention of connecting deeply with another and experiencing bliss together, sexuality becomes a very high expression of love, and learning to become the best lover you can becomes very important. Tantra encourages you to become the ultimate lover on all levels.

Tantra is a path that successfully unites sexuality with spirituality. It is the only spiritual approach I know of that faces the sexual challenges directly and teaches us how to use sex in a safe, and powerful way. It is a path to enlightenment, which can be reached by transcending our dualistic state of mind. Often we think one thing and feel another. Tantra uses our natural sexual energy to heal the split between body and spirit, between thinking and feeling, and helps you feel whole and really fulfilled.

It is not about how many hours you spend in sexual activities, although it helps with that too if you so desire. Tantra guides you to generate, heighten and transform sexual energy to more subtle energies as you channel it up through higher energy centers in the body (chakras). With the intention of transforming this powerful energy, you can create a new you.

Chakras are wheels of energy. The Hindu tradition believes that there are seven energy wheels that need to spin freely to be fully healthy and to move the maximum amount of energy. The first chakra is situated at the base of our spine. It connects us with the earth, and when it is open and balanced we feel safe. The second chakra is about sex, fluidity, and juiciness; the third – the solar plexus – is about expression of willpower and self-esteem; the fourth – at the heart level – is about love and compassion; the fifth – at the throat level – is about free and honest communication; the sixth – at the forehead level – is about intuition; and the seventh – in the middle of the brain – is about connection with the part of us that is beyond our personality and reaches into the spirit.

The idea of Tantra is to balance these energy centers and to raise the vibrations of pleasure from the first and second chakras to the higher chakras to express self-esteem, love, honest communication, intuition, and finally to merge with into your ultimate transcendent reality. It transforms the sexual energy that is coiled in the lower chakras into love and into light.

Tantra is also a path to complete intimacy with oneself and with another being. Many find it easier to be physically intimate than to share true emotional intimacy. We hold back on letting others see us as we are, especially the parts of us that we judge as bad. Many are more interested in learning lovemaking techniques, which Tantra offers in abundance, than to committing to emotional and spiritual intimacy and absolute honesty with a partner. It seems logical that, in order to achieve the highest state of union with All That Is, we must first be willing to be fully open with at least one human being.

Furthermore, even on a less cosmic level, in order to fully heal ourselves from the shame of our imperfect state of being human, we long for a person who loves us as we are. However, in order to be able to allow that love to penetrate us and heal us, we must first be willing to fully accept ourselves with all our desirable and undesirable qualities.

Tantra gives us plenty of suggestions about how self-acceptance can be reached, and guides you gently to go beyond self-acceptance to honor our true God self.

Sex is very important in our lives. It is a powerful creative force and it leads to orgasm. Orgasm is probably the closest some of us get to the experience of enlightenment. For a more-or-less brief moment, we get to forget ourselves, our problems, our egos, and just be with pure energy, with God.

Tantra guides you gradually to lengthen the peak experience of sexual ecstasy so that, in a way, we get to “hang out” with God longer. This expands our consciousness so that, when you come down to the dualistic plane, you see yourselves and life in a new way. You can actually experience the love that supports the whole cosmos. It is awesome.

When I started playing with the idea of making Tantra my path, I was surprised to notice my resistance to practicing it, finding “plausible” excuses not to find time for it. I remember feeling a similar resistance to my meditation practices. My resistance was confusing to me because here I had found a path that allowed me to use pleasure to reach God and I was avoiding it. Why? After some inner search I realized that this pleasure was different from the previously felt pleasure, which was mixed with pain and guilt. This, however, was pure pleasure, and I did not know how to be with it. Slowly, with a lot of patience and practice, I started to build up my capacity to sustain pure pleasure. I also had to overcome the voice of my internalized mother, who condemned me for feeling sexual pleasure in the first place.

With practice I was able to relax my body while being at the same time in a highly aroused state. Somehow these two states are not mutually exclusive, as one might be tempted to think. In Tantra one can relax because there is no issue of performance. The process itself is the reward. Only through being fully in the process can one reach the highest orgasm.

Do you necessarily need a partner for Tantra love? No. Many tantric exercises can be done alone. In fact, learning to love and honor your own body is an important step toward the tantric experience with a partner.

Tantra helped me break old taboos and heal my past emotional and physical traumas connected with my sexuality. I can now use this additional experiential knowledge to help woman, men and couples in my New York.

To my great joy there are also people who are already fully sex positive and emotionally healthy and feel great with high erotic energy flowing through their bodies. It is a pleasure to assist those people to achieve higher levels of ecstasy alone or with their partner, whether I can help them in private coaching, or in the wider sharing of a workshop.

I understand the trauma that you experience when you lose your house. You have identified with being a homeowner, and when you lose your house, you feel like you lose part of yourself. You are suffering from a shocking loss that few seem to understand. There is little understanding from other people around you who are not in the same situation. Not only that, but perhaps after the first expression of compassion, people have a tendency to blame you for having taken up a mortgage you ‘should have known’ you could not afford. You ‘should’ have asked for wise advice, and not listened to the ruthless agents and brokers who are obviously only interested in pocketing their commission. Even when it is not spoken aloud, you can sense these judgments, and you may feel worse.

The truth is that real estate agents, mortgage brokers and banks have all contributed to this painful situation. Some of them lost money, too, but some of them have profited by collecting big commissions. Yes, you could analyze who is to blame, but it might be more useful to realize that life is not fair and learn the lesson.

Owning a house myself ,I know your house becomes an extension of our body, like a shell that is painful to detach from. After your health, and your loved ones, your home is the most primal relationship you have. It represents your sense of safety, your dreams and your roots. Losing a home is one of the most underestimated losses you can suffer. When you lose your home, the rug is literally pulled out from under you, and you feel unsafe and disoriented.
You feel devastated. And you start blaming yourself for not having made a better choice. There is shame and guilt complicating the painful financial loss. You might feel a sense of betrayal by bankers and mortgage brokers who made it so easy for you to extend yourself beyond your capability.

How can you as a loving couple help each other through this crisis instead of attacking each other? It is natural when we are hurt to want to lash out with statements like: ‘I told you I had a bad feeling about that agent. You did not listen to me. You are so stubborn…’ Do you recognize this and do you know where that might lead you? You know it will probably lead to added grief and separation. You might end up losing you home and your relationship.

It is natural for you to feel anguish, anger, and the whole gamut of feelings that kind of take turn controlling your psyche. But you are not alone – you have your wife or husband to share with you. You understand the anguish that your partner feels. A couple who loves each other can take this as an opportunity to re-kindle the passion and connection with each other. Both of you can be there for each other to fill the void that losing your home has left you with.

According to Elisabeth Kuebler Ross, Author of ‘On Grief and Grieving’, when there is a loss you go through stages of recovery. It is useful to keep in mind that we humans also go through these stages when we lose part of our identity, not just when we lose a loved one. Supporting each other while you are going through the stages of grief now will definitely deepen your relationship.

The first stage is usually disbelief: ‘this cannot happen to me…it can’t be possible… Then you go through different phases of anger: blaming yourself and/or someone else for what happened. After having lost a lot of energy with either repressing or acting out anger, you usually go into a depression: ‘I don’t care any more…everything I do turns out bad…’ And finally, if you have allowed yourself to feel all your feelings and you get the support from the people around you, you reach acceptance of what is.

In a couple, a loving woman and man support the other to feel feelings thoroughly, and without judgement. Whoever is stronger in the moment keeps his or her heart open to listen, while the other partner feels whatever is present to them. The listener listens both with the ears and with the heart, mirroring back complete understanding for the partner’s feelings, whatever they are. Interfering with statements (which can be hidden judgements), such as, ‘it’s not so bad, honey…’ can infuriate the other. When someone is in pain, you want to be a safe space for them to move through what they have to feel until they reach the other side.

You will go through times when one of you feels stronger, then the other, and you might take turns doing the supporting. If you are depressed together, hug each other and feel your connection, perhaps synchronizing your breathing, belly to belly. Some couples who do that tell me that after 10 minutes of this connection, they feel energized and their mind starts finding new ways of looking at the painful situation in a more hopeful way.

Touching is probably the most supportive of all the approaches because it starts the flow of hormones that create bonding happiness in your body. You start feeling that being alive is great in spite of all the challenges. You can see that the present conditions represent just a change in your life that may ultimately contribute more depth in your relationship and more creativity for both of you.

You may be losing your house, but you are not losing each other – you are actually deepening your relationship, and where you will end up living then becomes secondary.

Nature is preparing to come out of hibernation and to sprout billions of flowers and leaves. Our human heart wants to sprout, too. It wants to give life to a new, fresher, deeper love. We long to celebrate life’s infinite abundance and joyous expression with our human nature, giving spring a brighter color.

Take time to feel this new energy and allow yourself to express it exuberantly with a loved one.

Start by expressing your gratefulness for having each other and look deeply into each other’s souls through Tantric eye gazing. Forgive yourself and each other if you have
been putting business before love. Decide to start making up for it now.

Men, take a whole day to serve the Goddess in your woman, and women, to serve the God in your man. You deserve a day of love. Turn off the phone and don’t even open your computer! This is your time. If you have children, find them a babysitter.

Let your imagination go wild…..

Perhaps you want her to put on the new sexy outfit you just bought for her and enjoy your Goddess wearing it just for you. Enjoy the sheer pleasure of seeing her walk and in it, and perhaps dance for you….or the two of you together.

Enjoy peering through the veil-like texture to see her sensuous body.

She can wear it until you gently or wildly (depending on your moods) undress her and give her a luxurious bath; sprinkle some essential oil on her body and breathe it in; dry her up with the most velvety towel you have you have and cover her with kisses; adore her shape and the texture of her skin by giving her a sensuous Tantric massage, then make love to her from all the levels of your being: the human, the animal, and the Divine.

Your favorite music is playing, matching the mood you are in, candles are burning, and flowers perfume your space.

She will enjoy all of it immensely and she will give you the gift you have been longing for: the most fantastic lovemaking ever! Her enthusiasm and creativity is mind blowing and both of you allow yourself to rise to a higher level of love.

After pleasuring her pearl (clitoris) and her precious lotus flower (g spot) she is longing to honor your lingam (penis) and pleasure your g spot.

You are taking your time to make love in different positions, feeling the geometry of the Divine in each position, which catapults you into ecstasy.

Take time to slow down the movements allowing the waves of pleasure to take you to valley orgasms. Integrate each valley orgasm by looking into each other’s eyes and feeling each other’s bellies undulating together while you are holding each other in a melting hug.

When you have integrated this powerful energy, you will continue to climb the mountain of ecstasy until you are completely fulfilled.

Let your energy spread around you, thus helping your world to feel more joy.

Happy Spring Season!

You both love your kids, but somehow, with your focus on taking care of them, romance takes a back seat. Before the children, you had more time for each other. You could go out to dinner, see mutual friends, go to interesting movies and discuss them; you were motivated to be sensuous and creative, and could schedule time to make love more often. With your priority shifting to the children, this takes a toll on your intimacy together. As a couple, you can feel disconnected.

The ancient science of Conscious Love, Tantra, gives wonderful advice to parents. It is simple advice, but it requires your commitment to maintaining high passion in your relationship while you are being good parents.   

Tantra suggests that a good way to begin is to show each other understanding and gratefulness for all you do. For instance, men, you have the power to give your wife rejuvenation and energy, and bring back your wife into your life, not just your kid’s mom. And this can be a simple act: Tantra recommends that you massage your wife’s feet.

Why? Because a woman has to be relaxed before she can open up her sexuality. As you probably know, all energy lines that go through the whole body (meridians) end up in the feet, and can bring both relaxation and more vitality to all the organs of the body. A foot massage brings with it a sensual awakening that can be sexually exciting and open up both her heart and her yoni. So, rubbing her feet is both stimulating and relaxing.

However, Tantra reveals a secret about this situation. Women have a sixth sense about your intentions when you do anything. If you touch her with the intention of stimulating her because you want to make love, she will pick up on it, even unconsciously, and might resist because she’s tired. However, when your intention is to actually help her relax, that too will come through, and she might more willingly agree. So Tantra recommends that you come from their heart when you offer the massage, and let the sexual connection unfold naturally in the moment.

Tantra encourages couples to touch each other, and connect through hugging and kissing, or just breathing and holding each other because touch between a couple fulfills. Many people have grown up with the misconception that once you start touching each other sensuously you “have to” end in orgasm.
This belief is counterproductive and leads to dissatisfaction and mistrust.

If every time you touch sensuously you want to end up having intercourse, one partner may end up drawing back because they don’t feel like going all the way at that time. Especially for parents, who often end the day dropping exhausted into bed after tucking in the kids, the idea of a protracted love-making session may just seem like too much work. That’s the perfect chance to spend time just holding one another, renewing the deep connection of your love.

If you make the dedicated commitment to exchange this deep touch as often as you can, some nights you’ll find it progressing to hot juicy sex, and some nights you’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms, but along the way you’ll also be discovering how to have both the pleasure of parenthood and the pleasure of a great satisfying sex life.

In other words, life together is safe, sexy, powerful, loving, expressive and expanding beyond our bodies.

However, not all relationships have to fulfill all the areas above mentioned. People can form a relationship such as marriage for all sorts of reasons. Some people marry for security, some because of sexual gratification, some because they feel more powerful together than separate, some because they can communicate well together, some for spiritual reasons. Enlightened relationships seem to have the entire gamut of reasons to be together.

During the many years I’ve worked as psychotherapist and Tantric healer, I’ve noticed that any relationship – no matter how it started – can work as long as the couple grows in the same or a compatible direction or are very tolerant of the other being in a completely different space as they are. They love the essence of their partner.

Most of the couples that come to Tantric therapy complain that the partner they chose is no longer fulfilling their needs. Either the sexual expression on which the choice of the marriage was made has become stale or the safety provided by of the marriage contract has become boring and at least one of them is longing for “more” sex and more creativity.

Please don’t take any of this personally. You are not the only one who sometimes feels like men and women are from different planets. Yes, we have fundamentally the same basic needs; however the nature of men and the nature of women have different expressions. I am inviting to use this information to understand each other and grow together.

Women are turned on through romance; they love hearing how much they are wanted and loved. They want to hear men talk about it in detail. They love to read romance novels and devour the romantic parts. If they read romantic books at all, men usually just skip to the “juicy parts.”

Librarians say they have never seen a man pick up a Victorian novel! Men are turned on by visual appearance, color of hair, how an outfit looks, the way a woman moves her head, the way her shoulders are held, the texture of her breast, the smell the woman wears.

Lori and Don came to private coaching sessions with me. Lori complained that Don was only interested in sex. He would come home and grab her breast or her butt and carry her to the bedroom. Don complained that she constantly slaps his hand away and he feels rejected. “She used to like sex when we were going out,” he said exasperated.

Don was stunned and confused. I helped him understand what was happening. I asked him to remember how it was at the beginning of their relationship when she was hot for him. I asked him how many times he used to call her during the week to re-affirm his love to her and to make plans to go out. After some pondering he could see how his calling her and often planning something new kept her heart open. He admitted that her heart seemed to expand into a bigger love that translated into a greater turn on. The component of feeling loved emotionally kept her sexual urge high.

When there is a conflict a woman wants to talk about it until she feels heard. Then she’s willing to hear him out until they reach a mutually satisfying agreement. She can seldom be sexually open until there is a resolution. Then her heart can open and therefore the sexual energy can flow through her body allowing for enthusiastic love making. In contrast, after a fight, a man wants to make up by making love. For him, the connection is reestablished by making love, especially by having great intercourse.

Another difference is that when a man ejaculates he emits a hormone that puts him to sleep. When women have orgasms they emit a hormone that wakes them up and increases their energy for more connection.
However, Tantric men who has learned to control his ejaculation several times before ejaculating can stay awake and enjoy a long afterglow hug a pillow talk with his woman before falling asleep. This is because of the extra charge of energy coming from transmuting the sexual charge into love energy. That charge remains in the body even after releasing the semen.

Still another difference: When women are sad, they can still be in the mood for sex, but when they are angry or tired, they are cut off from their sexual flow. Men, on the other hand, can have intercourse when they are angry and they are often surprised to notice where the tiredness goes when an erection emerges.
And finally, men have their highest level of testosterone in the morning while women have their highest level in the evening. Men are often ready to make love in the morning while women would rather turn over and continue to sleep.

Some men I’ve worked with solved this challenge by taking a catnap in the early evening in order to still feel enough energy to make love before going to bed. However, especially if she had to deal with small children during the day she might be exhausted by the evening, too.

It takes willingness for a couple to work on co-creating a way to take these differences into consideration and still enjoy a glorious and sexually satisfying relationship. If you are ready to take that step, private coaching can teach you how to negotiate between you in a way that strengthens your relationship together, while supporting each of you as individuals in love.