I’m Carla Tara, and I’ve spent 20 years helping people like you transform their sexual relationships into sources of great pleasure, boundless energy, and deep intimate connection.

Just the sound of rain is calming as it falls on leaves and even pavement. I clearly remember how wonderful it feels in Manhattan, when for a day the thunder of the storm and the rain on the pavement would quiet out the numbing sound of endless traffic. However, if it continues to storm and rain for too long, I start longing for the sun, almost desparately – a longing that would never come to me so strongly with the sun always out.

The same concept applies to relationships. We need to feel the highs and the lows to make things interesting. When a relationship constantly runs along with no effort, we start to lose our appreciation of it – and that can lead to problems where one or both partners become indifferent and don’t care. So, it may sound crazy, but we need to treasure the hard times of love as much as the easy times. The important thing to remember when you are in the low state is that you will enjoy the high again. It is just the cycle of life, ebb and flow, the change of the season, but played out in our emotional life together.

How do you move through the low times in your relationship?

Are you aware of the wave-like quality of relationships and flow with it with faith that the tide will turn again for the better?

Or do you get flooded with the conflict, and fear that your relationship is ruined forever, and this is just the beginning of the end?

With Love and Light,
Carla

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The colors flooded across the sky in spirals. Their bright reflection in the quiet river amazed my heart. It was just as sensual an experience as the sensation when my lover came up behind and slipped his arms around me in a hug. I was in bliss! On my front I had the warmth of the sun, and on my back the loving touch of his chest, and the strength of his encircling arms. The moment was so wonderful, that we we kissed, other greeting the glorious day in front of us.

Birds were hopping from treetop to treetop pecking at nuts and seeds. Seagulls and pelicans were gliding over the beach with complete freedom, squawking joyfully. The wind blew the palm fronds one way, then another, creating a moving carpet of green all along the shore. I felt so connected to nature, and really centered and fulfilled in my heart.

Because I took those 10-15 minutes to connect with nature before jumping into work, my whole day was more productive and much less stressful.

What happens to you when you take time to connect with nature? Have you taken a moment lately to see the beauty around you? Are there ways you can work in just a few minutes a day to slow down and ‘smell the flowers’ – maybe even the real ones?

Blessings,
Carla

After a meditative moment of gratefulness and peace, I felt pulled by shouts of joy toward a children’s playground sculpture in the park. Kids were having a great time experiencing the freedom of movement exhilarated by others like them expressing themselves with passion.

It was clear that boys and girls had a different way of expressing their joy of life. Most boys were playing daring games such as crawling on rocks and looking around to see if someone was admiring them. As though further energized by people like me looking at them, they kept climbing and jumping even faster, taking less and less time to secure their footing well before taking the next step. Parents were split between being worried and proud. Being admired taking risks seemed to tuned the kids on. Perhaps taking risks is a masculine quality… But then I saw a girl who seemed to outdo most boys. That was impressive. However most girls were playing on the ground enjoying sharing their toys with others and pushing each other on the swings.

I tried to analyze why it was so. Was the diversity in play because of socialization? Instead of answering my question, I decided to enjoy the diversity and the genuine pleasure experienced by the boys and girls playing and also by the men and women who were present there to create safety for them.

Would our sexual life be more spontaneous and exciting if we gave up the analyzing and trying to make sense of how nature wants to express itself through us?

I feel grateful to be alive and decided to play a little more freely myself.

Some wise person said: “If you are not on the edge you’re taking up too much space. “

How are you playing in your life? Are you allowing yourself to take some risks by pushing your boundaries of safety without falling off the rocks?

Photo: Encounter on a Net, by Diana Blackwell, Flikr.com

Tantra is based on such caring and respect for your partner. Here are some good tips:

1. Make sure you have your partner’s attention without demanding that they stop what they are doing to listen to you, unless it’s an emergency. If one of you is busy when you want to talk, set up a time when you both can pay attention to each other.
2. Tune into your own truth by taking a couple of Ocean Breaths to connect with your love for them. Intend to create more understanding and harmony. Remember this is your truth and might not be “the truth” for your partner.
3. Clear your mind of judging thoughts such as, “Here she/he goes again…” or “I’m going to show her/him that I’m right “. Communication is not a tug of war. To prove that you are right does not create more harmony or passion. Quite the opposite. Understanding and connection do.
4. Really listen. We have two ears and one mouth, so listen at least twice as much as you speak. Listen attentively even if you think you ‘know’ what they are going to say. You might here a nuance that has always escaped you before, and this time that might make all the difference in how this talk goes.
5. Pay attention to your body language, especially face expression, eye movements (rolling your eyes) and tone of voice. Body language makes up about 65% of communication. When your intention is love, the body is going to be relaxed and your voice full and warm. If your intention is to ‘be right’ or ‘show them,’ it will automatically show through your body language.

If you are not used to thinking about your body and your attitude as you are speaking, all these steps might seem overwhelming. Start with one or two the next time you talk with your lover.

Afterwards, be sure that you take a moment for yourself, and think about how using these simple steps changed your experience of the encounter and its outcome. Then, try to work in more of the steps the next time. You will see the difference - and your partner will feel the difference in your attention and your energy.

By the way, if you have never heard of the TED Conference, it is an annual gathering where speakers are invited to present for less than 20 minutes on their discoveries, thoughts, and art.  It is a gathering of the most remarkable thinkers, artists, and scientists on the planet.  And all the presentations are available online at the website.  Go visit!  You will be amazed, entertained, and uplifted.

Ciao,
Carla

Ladies, perhaps you realize that you are feeling less beautiful, less desirable, more taken for granted. . . I know many of us feel this way at one time or another.

When your man is in love with you at the beginning of your relationship he sprinkles, “you are beautiful,” “I love you so much,” “you are important to me” in so much of what he says to you. . .

Now you might have to wait for a special occasion or perhaps a new sexy outfit for him to notice how beautiful you are. His feelings haven’t changed; he has just forgotten the need to share them with you.

Men, are you taking the time to make sure your woman hears that she is important and beautiful and sexy to you?

Perhaps there is also another way you can give attention to her?

Saying “you are beautiful” can get boring or lost its meaning, and a general comment never has the same power as when you compliment her on a specific trait. Perhaps instead you could notice her expression and comment on it. You can tell her exactly what about her body attracts you most. Perhaps you may also notice some of the loving things she says or does, and acknowledge them with some attention – and even a kiss, or a touch . . .

This Valentine’s Day, and all through the month, use your imagination to communicate your desire to your woman. You will be surprised how eagerly she reacts to your attention!

When I work with couples who are resistant to healing their relationship and who no longer feel the kind of  sensuality they felt when they met, it is often due to their lack of listening. It’s very common in long-term relationships.

Tantra says that newness is the preferred food for Eros.  Eros dies when habits come in. But when you have been with someone a long time, it’s very easy for both of you to fall into a rut. Your lover gets to know your patterns – what you like, what you don’t like, what you complain about. When your partner hears the beginning of a sentence, they already “know” what you are trying to say; they  stop listening and start replying the usual way, leaving absolutely no space for newness to occur.

You might be in a new space, and trying to bring a new view or approach to this issue, but now your suggestion or insight gets completely ignored and you feel discouraged and “lonely”. In this lonely place, you may stop being open and trusting, and close off to your lover, or you may desperately try to talk anyway to your partner’s deaf ears, hoping in vain that one day he or she will actually listen to you.

Either way you are closing off to Eros.  If you are no longer expressing yourself or are compulsively repeating yourself,  Eros leaves your relationship.

If you are the one no longer listening, you may want to refresh your relationship by becoming curious again, and really listen for what you could say to break the vicious cycle. To do that you need to let go of assumptions. An assumption usually says:  “Why should I listen to this again?  I already know what they are going to say.”  Stop!  You are closing the door for possible newness to come through.  If your lover is really just repeating the same thing and really nothing new comes up, it means they are feeling unheard. So bring some intention to giving them space to feel heard -  you may even try to ask questions to bring out the possible newness of the situation.  Every moment is new if we really look and listen.

This is an important teaching of Tantra:  “When you are in the NOW fully you are in a tantric space.” Some of you may have read the work of Eckhart Tolle – his book “The Power of Now” is reviving this ancient tantric idea in self-growth circles.  (If you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend it. )

Sexual and romantic connection are about energy. Be fully present with your partner and focus your energy into truly listening to them, deeply, with intention and love. You will be surprised how that energy juices up your relationship in every way!

Blessings,
Carla

Photo by Renee Barron, Flikr.com