Real Listening Feeds Eros

Couple sitting in conversation

When I work with couples who are resistant to healing their relationship and who no longer feel the kind of  sensuality they felt when they met, it is often due to their lack of listening. It’s very common in long-term relationships.

Tantra says that newness is the preferred food for Eros.  Eros dies when habits come in. But when you have been with someone a long time, it’s very easy for both of you to fall into a rut. Your lover gets to know your patterns – what you like, what you don’t like, what you complain about. When your partner hears the beginning of a sentence, they already “know” what you are trying to say; they  stop listening and start replying the usual way, leaving absolutely no space for newness to occur.

You might be in a new space, and trying to bring a new view or approach to this issue, but now your suggestion or insight gets completely ignored and you feel discouraged and “lonely”. In this lonely place, you may stop being open and trusting, and close off to your lover, or you may desperately try to talk anyway to your partner’s deaf ears, hoping in vain that one day he or she will actually listen to you.

Either way you are closing off to Eros.  If you are no longer expressing yourself or are compulsively repeating yourself,  Eros leaves your relationship.

If you are the one no longer listening, you may want to refresh your relationship by becoming curious again, and really listen for what you could say to break the vicious cycle. To do that you need to let go of assumptions. An assumption usually says:  “Why should I listen to this again?  I already know what they are going to say.”  Stop!  You are closing the door for possible newness to come through.  If your lover is really just repeating the same thing and really nothing new comes up, it means they are feeling unheard. So bring some intention to giving them space to feel heard –  you may even try to ask questions to bring out the possible newness of the situation.  Every moment is new if we really look and listen.

This is an important teaching of Tantra:  “When you are in the NOW fully you are in a tantric space.” Some of you may have read the work of Eckhart Tolle – his book “The Power of Now” is reviving this ancient tantric idea in self-growth circles.  (If you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend it. )

Sexual and romantic connection are about energy. Be fully present with your partner and focus your energy into truly listening to them, deeply, with intention and love. You will be surprised how that energy juices up your relationship in every way!


Photo by Renee Barron,

All content produced and owned by Carla Tara © 2010.


One Comment on "Real Listening Feeds Eros"

  1. Tweets that mention Real Listening Feeds Eros | Carla Tara -- on Mon, 8th Feb 2010 2:03 am 

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Slower Life Coach, Carla Tara. Carla Tara said: Listening & Eros – why being really present to your lover can energize your sex life […]

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